I’ve debated sharing my story, partly because I am on the other side of IVF with a positive outcome. I realize how lucky we are and how others are not – I almost feel guilty knowing some walk away completely empty handed. I decided to share because I know when I was in the thick of RE appointments, IUIs, IVF procedures, and waiting for our transfer, I just wanted all of the success stories I could find. Success stories gave me hope, but I didn’t see many stories like mine. So I want to share and possibly give someone hope.
I’ll start with the end of the story: as I write this there is a precious 8-week-old baby boy napping in his crib. When I think about all the different struggles that I’ve had and what my story actually is, there are so many parts that felt impossible, or like the struggle wouldn’t be worth the result. After the fact, I now put my baby to bed every night telling him that struggle was part of his story and that we are grateful for the miracle that he is. I would do it again if I had to, even now that I know how hard it was.
My story begins quite some time before I knew of the struggles of infertility. I was in the military and married to a pretty terrible person, but I knew I wanted to be a mother and a wife and so I overlooked abuse and unhappiness towards that goal. I did manage to get pregnant, but miscarried, and followed that up with a divorce and transition from the Army to a career in corporate America. I really began to work on myself and 2 years later I felt renewed, stronger and accelerating quickly in my career. I had been on dates a few times, but I felt like I was too weird, odd or goal oriented to make a connection with anyone, and I made the choice that I'd rather be alone and happy, than with someone and playing some role. I felt good about this decision, and pushed aside those mommy thoughts.