Fast forward quite a few years later, and we have now gone through a total of 12 rounds of IVF, 7 rounds of IUI, and a miscarriage.
I lied about doing IVF for over two years because I was ashamed. Ashamed that my body didn’t work the way others did, that my story didn’t play out as I imagined. I would tell my boss that I had a doctor, dentist, or financial advisor appointment—you name it, I used it! I would get excited when I thought of a new “excuse” that I could use to hide a fertility consultation, IUI treatment, or IVF egg retrieval. During those years of infertility, I lost myself in the emotional roller coaster and became unrecognizable to myself. I felt like I was failing as a woman and constantly felt isolated, anxious and hopeless. After three years, when I finally got pregnant with twins through IVF, I told my friends that I had twins in my family (which I do, so I told myself it wasn’t a lie). A few months after the twins were born, we were pleasantly surprised to find out we were pregnant with our son. Consequently, the news helped us conceal our fertility struggles further. I felt so proud of myself for “getting away” with doing IVF without anyone knowing. No one could judge my decisions or my body for not working.
I still remember the first time I thought I was pregnant.
It was December 2014, a few days before Christmas and my period was a week late. We had been trying and tracking and charting and hoping for a couple of years.
Full of belief, I found myself shopping alone one night at Target. I couldn’t resist the tiniest little ivory, satin and tulle dress with little gold polka dots for what I felt might be a baby girl in my near future.
In the last 3 years, I have become a stronger person. I’ve learned to let go of little things. I’ve become a professional at being uncomfortable physically! Needles are no big deal anymore. I’ve made friends with the phlebotomists who have taken my blood multiple times a week for years now. My veins are beautiful they say! My relationship with my husband has grown stronger. I’ve learned it’s ok to feel sad. It’s ok to feel emotional. There is an amazing, supportive community out there that knows what we feel! You belong here. You belong in a place where you feel supported. You can be on day 1 or year 10. We congratulate good news for those around us, and We are patiently waiting for our turn!