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Read Kelsey's story here:
Right now, my husband and I are in the thick of infertility. We have been trying to conceive since April 2019. It has been a long, bumpy road with so many curveballs along the way. So I guess I will tell my story starting from the beginning.
For about a year, I had been feeling very strongly (what I like to think of as spiritual promptings) that we needed to start our family. It was a constant reoccurring thought. After sharing my thoughts and feelings with my husband, we started to try in the spring of 2019. At first, it was exciting. Even after the first few months of not being able to get pregnant, I didn't think much of it.
In the summer, my husband's family came to visit us while we were living on the east coast. During our time at a beach house there, I had a miscarriage. It was devastating and heart wrenching. The common phrases were said by my family, "Well at least you know that you can get pregnant!" "Just try again."
3 days after the miscarriage, my sister-in-law had her baby. I tried to drown my grief with the joy of having a new baby in the family. I tried to tell myself that it was so early I didn't even have a chance to feel a connection to my baby so I shouldn't be as sad as I was.
Knowing that neither side of our families struggled with infertility made it so that the chance of us not getting pregnant again never really crossed our minds. But months went by.
When the fall rolled around, we had moved across the country to Arizona. We were living in a hotel at the time waiting for our stuff to arrive. I got a phone call from my little sister who had been married for just a couple months. She told me that they accidentally got pregnant. She said it was a total shock. She said they were so excited. I had to cover my mouth and pinch my leg to keep myself from crying out. I had never felt so much pain, jealousy, joy, and love all at the same time before. I hurried and ended the call after expressing my congrats and crumbled to the floor with my husband immediately at my side. I felt so many emotions that day that I stayed in bed all the next day.
I am the oldest on both sides of my family and was always holding out the hope that I would be the one to make my parents grandparents. I always thought I would be the one to make my grandparents great-grandparents. And in one fell swoop, all of that was being taken away.
I busied myself with moving to a new house and setting up our next chapter in a new state. Just a few short months after, my 2 best friends announced they were pregnant, my cousin announced their pregnancy, and my aunt announced she was pregnant. It just felt like one slap in the face after the other.
When I look back at those times in my life, I feel so much gratitude that I valued my relationships so much that I didn't shut them out of my life. I wanted to be a part of their joy, but I know for them it was hard to know just what to do or say to us.
Once we hit a year of not being able to get pregnant, we went to the doctor to start looking at our options. This experience taught me just how important it is to find a doctor that you love. I didn't understand this in the beginning and felt so judged by my doctor. And unfortunately because of COVID, my husband wasn't able to come to the appointments with me for a while so he wasn't able to confirm her negative treatment of me until much later.
She started me on Letrozole for 3 months before we moved (because of COVID) to Idaho. We did more research for this new doctor and found one that we are currently with who has been absolutely amazing! We have been on Clomid for 3 months and have had 2 IUI's. It has been frustrating that we still don't have answers. After many tests for both of us, we have been diagnosed with unexplained infertility. There are so many emotions that go into not knowing why this isn't happening for us. I have felt anger toward my body that seems strong to others, but to me is failing me in so many ways. Infertility has rocked our marriage in more ways than one.
Just this past Christmas break, both of my sisters-in-law announced they are pregnant and will be due within a week of each other. We found out both of those pregnancies right after I started my period and our failed IUI. The type of heartbreak we have experienced has taught me so much about grace. I have learned about the grace that I possess for myself and others. I have learned about the grace of Jesus Christ and how it really is through Him that we can find peace in our darkest of storms. I have learned valuable lessons in showing up for others in their joy, but not being afraid to express my sadness as well. Some of the most incredible conversations have come when I allowed myself to be vulnerable with someone who doesn't quite understand. I have learned that expecting others to know how to show up for me in my grief is unfair and that if I express what I need from those close to me, they WILL show up.
I still have so many questions as we navigate this journey. I wonder if my family will be as big as I always dreamed. I wonder if it really is my fault we can't get pregnant. I feel so much hurt to not be able to bring a child mine and my husband's lives. I wonder if all this trying is a waste of time and we should be looking to adopt instead. There are so many things still up in the air for us. But I know with all that I am that God has a plan for us. Sometimes I have questioned that plan and have been angry that this plan includes so much yearning and heartbreak. Sometimes I wonder if God really cares about me and if there is anything else I could possibly need to learn from all this. But even through those doubts, at my core I know that I matter. I know that my husband matters. And I know that I am a much better person than I was in April of 2019.