To my beautiful child,
We did it! First appointment down. I love that I have the model that I teach my community of women with infertility for MYSELF now through this process. I feel so excited and better equipped to handle all of the big thoughts that lead to all of the big feelings. I love that I can love myself through it all and allow myself the grace and self love that I need to get through this. What an absolute gift! Truly.
I was talking to your dad last night about the appointment today and how I was nervous that the pregnancy would be as bad as the twins. I got preeclampsia and it was awful. If you don't believe me, just check out my ankles in this post. I mean, wow. Like honestly, wow. I don't know how Harris and Goldie are gonna make it up to me, but I'll continue to remind them that I like big diamonds so they'll have to work towards something good ;)
Anyway, I was talking to your dad about that and one of my sweet friends texted me just as I was talking to him. I heard my phone "ding" in the kitchen as the text came through. I walked over there a a few minutes later and read, "I promise you this won't be as traumatic as it was to get the twins." I loved that reassurance. I feel like it was a sweet message from God that He hears me. He's aware of it all.
When Goldie woke up today, she was so excited. She asked me, "Mom? Are you scared for your appointment today?" I said, "I'm a little nervous but I'm going to do it anyway because I'm brave." She replied with, "It's okay mama. I will be with you today in your heart." I mean COME ON. Are you kidding me with this precious baby girl?
When I dropped them off at school this morning, Goldie immediately told the teacher that came to help them out of the car that I was going to an appointment today to have another baby. The teacher asked, "Do you run the Slice of Sun?" She told me that she had been silently following along because a friend had recommended it to her. She was experiencing infertility, too. She said that she would be praying for me today and it made my cry. I love you, friend! If you're reading this, I love you. It was God's hands today as a manifestation of such a beautiful community of sisters that we have created at the Slice of Sun.
I am such a big cheerleader of women telling other women what they are experiencing. When I got to Studio IVL where I work out, the instructor Shelley and her cousin and my friend Jess both came up to me separately and said they knew I had my appointment today. I think it's important to share because then it gives other women the opportunity to lift you up when you need it. I felt so supported. I've had a few friends message me. My mom and sisters send me encouraging texts. My sister-in-law's follow up to see how it's all going. If I hadn't shared and kept it all quiet, I wouldn't have that and I need that.
After the class I interviewed my friend Emily Jackson about her infertility experience for Fearless Infertility and we talked about that, too. Why do we suffer in silence sometimes? Why do women not tell people when they have a miscarriage? I think it's important to build up your community so they can support you when you need it. How will they know if you don't tell them? I think God knows we need each other. He gives us each other.
When I went to my appointment at 2 pm today, I was ready. I thought about the years it took me to get to this point again. The work on my mind that was all so worth it. The beauty of it all and that it's all as it should be.
I sat in lobby and "Remedy" by Adele started playing. The lyrics said:
"But when the pain cuts you deep
When the night keeps you from sleeping
Just look and you will see
That I will be your remedy
When the world seems so cruel
And your heart makes you feel like a fool
I promise you will see
That I will be, I will be your remedy"
I smiled. Another God-is-here moment. I can't remember who I was talking with, but we had a conversation about these lyrics recently. The person said that they were so unrealistic because no one can heal you. You have to heal yourself. You can't rely on someone to do that work for you. Each of us is a steward of ourselves and we can't expect anyone to make us feel a certain way. And then I added today as I was sitting there, that there is someone who can heal us and make up the difference. The Lord. He's the only one who can. It's like He was telling me that through those lyrics.
The next song came on and...I found myself smiling under my mask again. The lyrics to Bruno Mars' Count on Me said:
"If you ever find yourself stuck in the middle of the sea
I'll sail the world to find you
If you ever find yourself lost in the dark and you can't see
I'll be the light to guide you
We'll find out what we're made of
When we are called to help our friends in need
You can count on me like one, two, three
I'll be there"
And then it made me think of the Slice of Sun and the community of women who are there supporting each other. Baby boy or baby girl...you should see it! Actually you probably can :) These women are incredible. The way they lift one another. The way they see past all the fluff and all the things that don't matter and LOVE each other. It's truly one of the honors of my life to get to be with these women in this online community.
I talked with Dr. Foulk and, as he always does, he simplifies it. Takes the emotions out of it and makes it seem doable. "Let's make another baby." Yes. Let's! Ha. I love that man. He is a man of God who has told me in the past that he feels like his career choice is so much more than that. He's bringing little souls from heaven to their families on earth.
We chatted and caught up and he told about how his wife had hyperemesis so bad with their youngest while she was pregnant, that he came home one day to find that their toddler had grabbed a stick of butter from the fridge and was rubbing it on everything in site and she was too sick to do anything about it. I laughed and laughed until I cried because I think a lot of mamas can relate to that. The things we do for our babies to bring them into our families! You're worth it.
I will go in next Wednesday to do a water ultrasound to see if there are polyps in my uterus like last time that need to be removed and we will go from there! He said we could be transferring another embryo as early as July.
There are miracles that surrounded me constantly today. I just couldn't go to bed tonight without jotting them down. They're what keep me moving forward on the days that I just want to quit. I was able to see the hand of God throughout my whole day. I physically felt lighter as people prayed for me just as before when I shared the first blog post back in 2015. It's amazing what happens when we move forward with even a little faith. It's amazing what happens when we ask for help and when we work to become better.
It's the work that's the most worth doing.
It's a crazy world you're coming into little one, but it's so good, too. There are so many incredible people you'll meet. Let them into your life.
Your mama loves you.