To my beautiful child,
Whew. Here we go again! I have SO MANY THOUGHTS that I'm sorting through right now. These thoughts lead to feelings of being anxious and scared to excited and peaceful. It's like a real-life roller coaster. What's coming next? I'm the author but sometimes the author doesn't know the next chapter, you know? Sometimes the author lets their thoughts go running wild for a little bit before bringing them back into their control.
When I was trying to conceive Harris and Goldie, I wrote letters to them. Well, I wrote letters to "it" at the time because I assumed it would be one baby, and then it was two! I documented those letters here. It was so therapeutic to write it all out, so I've decided to write you letters, too. You can read them someday when you're here, and maybe you're having a good time up in heaven looking down on your mama and laughing because you know it's all going to work out. You know it's your time. I hope!
What I love now is that I have the model that I teach to my clients who are experiencing infertility. I'm so excited that I get to share it with them so that their lives can be better during infertility, too. I know that I can control how I feel based on my thoughts. Is it easy choosing thoughts that make me feel peaceful all the time? Not always. But I love myself through the ups and the downs and I get up when I fall. I know God loves me, too. I know He's got my back.
To catch you up, in case you've been busy doing other things in heaven (ha!), I've been really debating over the past year and half on whether or not we should have another baby. It's been a battle in my mind! Your sister and brother were mass chaos, but then they turned about 4.5-years-old and I started to get a glimmer of possibility that maybe I could handle another one. I just wanted God to tell me, though. I wanted Him to tell me what to do! I know He doesn't control us, though, so I know it's my choice. After praying for months and months, and having anxiety for so long about it, I decided to really do some thought work on WHY I was feeling so anxious.
There are a lot of things. The fact that I had twins and the pregnancy was so incredibly difficult. The fact that I got preeclampsia and delivered them at 32-weeks. The fact that I was a mama to twins! The fact that being a mom is really hard and really exhausting. I love it so much, and it also brings me to my knees over and over. It was fact that I got so sick after I delivered them and found out I had Epstein-Barr virus. It's a virus that 98% of the world's population has in their bodies but most of their immune systems can fight it off until they go through something traumatic either physically or emotionally. I think the twin's pregnancy and getting preeclampsia really broke me down. I have been building myself over the past year, especially though. I have reached out for help from my friend who is a health coach. I've learned how to really take care of my body with whole foods and nutrition. I've healed and I'm more in tune to what it takes to carefully care for myself. I put my health first. I think those things have helped me prepare for you.
I also can't go on without telling you this. After having anxiety for months, and praying for months, and feeling so tormented about whether I wanted to start trying again, I was carrying your sister Goldie up the stairs one night to take a bath. She was resting her head on my shoulder and cuddled into me. It was peace. It was a moment without anxiety. I felt the pure joy of being a mother...the joy that can only come from being a mama. It's a love that doesn't make sense. The pure love of Christ. It was like God told me, "It will be okay. I'll take care of you. When have I ever failed you in the past?" It was like He was telling me that I didn't have to worry. That I could give my fears to Him and I didn't have to carry them. When we got up to the bathroom, Goldie tilted her head to the side, looked at my belly and said, "Mom? When are we going to have another baby?" I couldn't believe that she had felt that same reassurance, too. We hadn't talked about having another baby. It wasn't something she brought up often. It was a tangible feeling. The most beautiful peace and answer to prayer.
That's the peace I go back to when I feel fear. That's the experience that's giving me courage.
I have also gotten to the point where I can talk about it without feeling panic. It snuck up on me. When I would talk about maybe having another baby with people over the past few months, I would feel tears well up out of nowhere. It would surprise me every time. I am an infertility coach! I talk about infertility all the time. What was causing these feeling? I would feel so panicked. I really took some time to do the thought work to realize what was causing a lot of that panic. I had a thought running through my brain that went like this: "I've done infertility. I've experienced it. I can check that off the list. I deserve to have a normal fertility experience now! I deserve to get pregnant on our own and take a pregnancy test and see that it's positive." These thoughts were causing me to resist reality. They were causing me to feel resentful over what was actually my circumstance. Those thoughts were not getting me the results I wanted.
After I discovered those thoughts, I was able to examine them. I don't even believe that they are true! I don't think I deserve anything. I think that God gives me my experiences in life to strengthen me and help me become who He knows I can be. I believe that with my whole heart. I have evidence of that truth all around me when I look. When I have even a little bit of faith.
I love that He sees me and knows me better that I know myself. I love that He puts people in my life to support me in this. I love that I don't have to do it alone. I love that I know I don't have to carry it all on my shoulders. I want you to know that your mama is so grateful.
I decided to share this experience of conceiving you with your brother and sister because I think it's important they know that life isn't perfect and that we go through hard things. I want them to know it's normal to feel scared and sad sometimes, and that they can move forward with courage anyway. I said to Harris, Goldie and Tyler tonight as we were driving home, "I'm nervous for my appointment tomorrow!" Harris asked why. I told him that it took a lot to get them to our family and it was hard sometimes. Goldie responded, "Aw mom!! You will do it." Sweet baby girl. She's right. I will.
She is THRILLED by the way. I don't think she understands how many months it will take you to get here even if it's quick this time. I am SO excited to get to experience it all with them this time! Us 4 are rooting for you, little one. We are waiting here for you with open arms and maybe an extra mom in Goldie. Do you think you can handle two moms? ;) As I was putting her to bed tonight she said, "I love you" about 10 times to me and was so kind and loving. She also prayed that the appointment would go well. I think we're in pretty good hands with her on our team, don't you?
So, here we go again. I am heading in tomorrow to talk to Dr. Foulk to see what it will take to get you here. I am a little scared because I'm a human and I try to have thoughts that serve me but fail sometimes. But mostly as I sit here, I'm peaceful knowing that I don't have to know the path. I don't have to hold all the weight of this experience.
I was reading a conference talk by President Henry B. Eyring here, and he said, "I testify that the Lord goes before your face whenever you are on His errand. Sometimes you will be the angel the Lord sends to bear others up. Sometimes you will be the one surrounded by angels who bear you up." I have been able to easily see the angels He has given me when I look for them. I love that I'm aware of this because it also makes me so aware of His love for me.
I'll write you again after my appointment tomorrow!
Today after church! Want to join our #parcellsundayselfie? Your dad and I started taking these pictures when we were trying to conceive Harris and Goldie. We've got a spot just for you.